Saw the first movie, and didn't like it. This trailer looks pretty boring. In fact, it reeks of: "We're not really sure this franchise is going to pay off, so let's dump the ensemble cast."
All that being said, the end of the trailer legitimately made me say "wtf?":
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G.I. Joe: Retaliation
New trailer, that looks a lot like the old trailer except with Channing Tatum featured a bit more.
Coming out in 2013...for real this time!
Coming out in 2013...for real this time!
“Activism is a way for useless people to feel important, even if the consequences of their activism are counterproductive for those they claim to be helping and damaging to the fabric of society as a whole.” - Dr Thomas Sowell
Finally saw this one. Not a good movie.
Again, it seems like they have no faith in the product. I don't know that I've ever seen a film franchise that's currently still in production that is so desperate for a reboot.
Anyway, this review is going to have lots of spoilers so if you don't want to read anymore, here's your summary: The first two acts are entertaining enough to watch while you're also cleaning or on the PC or whatever. It will build up just enough interest in the film to make you walk away thinking, "Man did they fuck that film and this franchise up."
Ok, spoilers below...
So we start off with lots of Channing Tatum. Lots more than we were supposed to because when they filmed this, he was a nobody. However, he became somebody so they added a lot more of him. He still dies pretty early into the film, and I guarantee you that heads rolled for killing him and not Flint (Some dude I had never heard of, but who will be playing Seth Gecko in the From Dusk Til Dawn TV show.). Anyway, Flint was terrible throughout the film. Absolutely zero charisma.
That wasn't the only death they fucked up though. They heavily feature another character early on, and I don't think his death was even shown.
So after the attack on the Joes that kills them all, not a spoiler as it's in the trailer, there are only 4 left: Roadblock, Lady Jane, Flint, and Snake Eyes. So three Joes nobody really knows, and Snake Eyes.
Can anyone say "budget cuts"? The first film had TONS of big names, rolled out all the popular characters, and had huge effects. This movie has Snake Eyes (Ray Parks, you may know him as Darth Maul).
How do you kill the most elite fighting force the world has ever seen? Just ambush them. Who knew? A prolonged fight, and the enemy suffers zero casualties. Not sure how the Joes were "elite". Also found it curious that all those popular characters seemed to be missing. Maybe they retired? Actually, it's worse that they're not even referenced at all in the film, and there IS a reason they should have...
Anyway, the Joes, despite being the most wanted people in the world, still have the ability to communicate throughout the globe and travel anywhere. I didn't really get how. They also manage to figure out the plot BEFORE they actually figure it out. That sounds odd, but trust me, it's hilarious when you see how certain they are of what's going on, and then what evidence they discover to prove them correct.
In case you haven't figured it out yet, this is a terribly written and low budget film. And it continues:
-Turns out Storm Shadow shouldn't be a bad guy. See this master of disguise set him up all those years ago (we're talking DECADES), and not only is Storm Shadow just now presenting evidence that he didn't do the crime, but that master of disguise hasn't aged a day.
-As mentioned, almost all of the big names are gone. They still need Cobra Commander though, so what to do? Re-cast him with someone nobody has heard of, make his face all disfigured, and then cover it up for the rest of the movie.
-Destro gets even worse treatment. I won't say how, but they show him, but don't. He's in the movie, but not. I wish they had done a more realistic credits like:
General Hawk - Dennis Quiad (couldn't afford him)
Duke - Channing Tatum (we didn't know...)
Flint - Fuuuuuuuuuuuck we missed on this one.
Destro - We couldn't afford to bring him back, sorry!
Baroness - Again, can we pretend she's busy elsewhere?
Scarlet - This is really embarrassing.
Joseph Gordon Levitt - Again, we missed the boat.
And so on. I swear they had a lemonade stand to fund this movie.
You know who they did manage to get? The Rock and Bruce Willis.
The Rock is being called the hardest working guy in Hollywood, as he's in EVERYTHING anymore. He's a fun personality and jacked UP in this film, but they fail because they make it so he really doesn't get to be himself. The first ten minutes of the film are basically him and Channing Tatum, and you can see the real them, and they have chemistry, and it's fun. Then they kill Tatum and shackle The Rock, and it's not fun anymore.
Willis is Willis, and he amazingly doesn't phone this one in, but he's not Die Hard Willis either.
-The villain that gets the most screen time? Fucking Firefly. I was wondering if most of the people watching the film even knew the character.
-The fight scene on the mountain is hilariously bad. It's Snake Eyes and some chick against ninjas while ALL of them are hanging from ropes. The good guys kept cutting the ropes of the bad guys, and for some reason, that tactic never occurred to the bad guys. I mean, go head to head against fucking Snake Eyes in hand to hand combat or simply cut a rope with the big fucking sword you're holding, and become a legend in Cobra? Obviously, head to head wins...ugh.
-It should be obvious by the trailer that one of the bad guys is the president. What's REALLY hilarious about that is he openly uses Cobra to kill the Joes. That's right, he goes public about using a terrorist organization from the first film that destroyed Paris or some shit. Nobody bats an eye. Even worse is that a few of his Secret Service detail are blatantly wearing Cobra lapel pins instead of American flags, and nobody says shit. Fucking liberal MSM...
Despite all these flaws, the film is honestly not horrific for about an hour.
Sure, it's low budget, and the only characters you were given an emotional connection to are dead, but some of the stuff is still interesting like the super secret prison where Walter Goggins (basically being Shane from The Shield except as a warden) is the guy in charge.
But that final act. Holy shit was it bad. How bad?
The Rock fights really cheap looking HISS tanks in a car converted to a tank-like thing. This thing looks like complete trash, but the funniest thing is the location. Where ever they were was so obviously not where anyone else was, and there was NOTHING there to show why Rock would be there. Everyone else was in civilized locations, while Rock fights in wasteland where nothing is visible for miles. Absolutely hilarious. When the scene first started I was thinking, "Did Ed Wood direct this shit?"
Alright, enough talking about this turd. I cannot honestly recommend this film at all. I hope they start from scratch for the inevitable third one, as this one did good at the box office. Far better than expected.
Again, it seems like they have no faith in the product. I don't know that I've ever seen a film franchise that's currently still in production that is so desperate for a reboot.
Anyway, this review is going to have lots of spoilers so if you don't want to read anymore, here's your summary: The first two acts are entertaining enough to watch while you're also cleaning or on the PC or whatever. It will build up just enough interest in the film to make you walk away thinking, "Man did they fuck that film and this franchise up."
Ok, spoilers below...
So we start off with lots of Channing Tatum. Lots more than we were supposed to because when they filmed this, he was a nobody. However, he became somebody so they added a lot more of him. He still dies pretty early into the film, and I guarantee you that heads rolled for killing him and not Flint (Some dude I had never heard of, but who will be playing Seth Gecko in the From Dusk Til Dawn TV show.). Anyway, Flint was terrible throughout the film. Absolutely zero charisma.
That wasn't the only death they fucked up though. They heavily feature another character early on, and I don't think his death was even shown.
So after the attack on the Joes that kills them all, not a spoiler as it's in the trailer, there are only 4 left: Roadblock, Lady Jane, Flint, and Snake Eyes. So three Joes nobody really knows, and Snake Eyes.
Can anyone say "budget cuts"? The first film had TONS of big names, rolled out all the popular characters, and had huge effects. This movie has Snake Eyes (Ray Parks, you may know him as Darth Maul).
How do you kill the most elite fighting force the world has ever seen? Just ambush them. Who knew? A prolonged fight, and the enemy suffers zero casualties. Not sure how the Joes were "elite". Also found it curious that all those popular characters seemed to be missing. Maybe they retired? Actually, it's worse that they're not even referenced at all in the film, and there IS a reason they should have...
Anyway, the Joes, despite being the most wanted people in the world, still have the ability to communicate throughout the globe and travel anywhere. I didn't really get how. They also manage to figure out the plot BEFORE they actually figure it out. That sounds odd, but trust me, it's hilarious when you see how certain they are of what's going on, and then what evidence they discover to prove them correct.
In case you haven't figured it out yet, this is a terribly written and low budget film. And it continues:
-Turns out Storm Shadow shouldn't be a bad guy. See this master of disguise set him up all those years ago (we're talking DECADES), and not only is Storm Shadow just now presenting evidence that he didn't do the crime, but that master of disguise hasn't aged a day.
-As mentioned, almost all of the big names are gone. They still need Cobra Commander though, so what to do? Re-cast him with someone nobody has heard of, make his face all disfigured, and then cover it up for the rest of the movie.
-Destro gets even worse treatment. I won't say how, but they show him, but don't. He's in the movie, but not. I wish they had done a more realistic credits like:
General Hawk - Dennis Quiad (couldn't afford him)
Duke - Channing Tatum (we didn't know...)
Flint - Fuuuuuuuuuuuck we missed on this one.
Destro - We couldn't afford to bring him back, sorry!
Baroness - Again, can we pretend she's busy elsewhere?
Scarlet - This is really embarrassing.
Joseph Gordon Levitt - Again, we missed the boat.
And so on. I swear they had a lemonade stand to fund this movie.
You know who they did manage to get? The Rock and Bruce Willis.
The Rock is being called the hardest working guy in Hollywood, as he's in EVERYTHING anymore. He's a fun personality and jacked UP in this film, but they fail because they make it so he really doesn't get to be himself. The first ten minutes of the film are basically him and Channing Tatum, and you can see the real them, and they have chemistry, and it's fun. Then they kill Tatum and shackle The Rock, and it's not fun anymore.
Willis is Willis, and he amazingly doesn't phone this one in, but he's not Die Hard Willis either.
-The villain that gets the most screen time? Fucking Firefly. I was wondering if most of the people watching the film even knew the character.
-The fight scene on the mountain is hilariously bad. It's Snake Eyes and some chick against ninjas while ALL of them are hanging from ropes. The good guys kept cutting the ropes of the bad guys, and for some reason, that tactic never occurred to the bad guys. I mean, go head to head against fucking Snake Eyes in hand to hand combat or simply cut a rope with the big fucking sword you're holding, and become a legend in Cobra? Obviously, head to head wins...ugh.
-It should be obvious by the trailer that one of the bad guys is the president. What's REALLY hilarious about that is he openly uses Cobra to kill the Joes. That's right, he goes public about using a terrorist organization from the first film that destroyed Paris or some shit. Nobody bats an eye. Even worse is that a few of his Secret Service detail are blatantly wearing Cobra lapel pins instead of American flags, and nobody says shit. Fucking liberal MSM...
Despite all these flaws, the film is honestly not horrific for about an hour.
Sure, it's low budget, and the only characters you were given an emotional connection to are dead, but some of the stuff is still interesting like the super secret prison where Walter Goggins (basically being Shane from The Shield except as a warden) is the guy in charge.
But that final act. Holy shit was it bad. How bad?
The Rock fights really cheap looking HISS tanks in a car converted to a tank-like thing. This thing looks like complete trash, but the funniest thing is the location. Where ever they were was so obviously not where anyone else was, and there was NOTHING there to show why Rock would be there. Everyone else was in civilized locations, while Rock fights in wasteland where nothing is visible for miles. Absolutely hilarious. When the scene first started I was thinking, "Did Ed Wood direct this shit?"
Alright, enough talking about this turd. I cannot honestly recommend this film at all. I hope they start from scratch for the inevitable third one, as this one did good at the box office. Far better than expected.
“Activism is a way for useless people to feel important, even if the consequences of their activism are counterproductive for those they claim to be helping and damaging to the fabric of society as a whole.” - Dr Thomas Sowell
He was talking about not liking even the first one. I saw the second one. As a mindless action flick it was okay. I guess I had no expectations of it being anything other than bad writing and making little sense, so it didn't bother me. Bruce Willis was funny.
"... and then I was forced to walk the Trail of Tears." - Elizabeth Warren
This is the first G.I. Joe movie the search function found for me. This was a terrible movie, as was the first one.
“Activism is a way for useless people to feel important, even if the consequences of their activism are counterproductive for those they claim to be helping and damaging to the fabric of society as a whole.” - Dr Thomas Sowell
One film that Tatum is still non-committal on? His upcoming Ghostbusters movie. In March, Sony announced that they were developing a “male-driven action-centric comedy” in the Ghostbusters franchise, with Tatum set to star. This came as a surprise to Ghostbusters fans, seeing as the studio already had an all-female remake (starring Melissa McCarthy and Kristen Wiig) in the works. When Stern asked about his Ghostbusters film, Tatum said it was still a ways off.
“That thing’s gotten messy, I’ll be honest,” Tatum told Stern. “There’s a lot of people doing a lot of things on Ghostbusters… Look, I would love to do it. I’m saying, there’s a lot of people in the pool right now, in the Ghostbusters pool.”
Not holding out any hope for those being good.
As for the first Joe movie....
The bad guys sort of won. I found that interesting.
Edited By Malcolm on 1435156289
Diogenes of Sinope: "It is not that I am mad, it is only that my head is different from yours."
Arnold Judas Rimmer, BSC, SSC: "Better dead than smeg."
Arnold Judas Rimmer, BSC, SSC: "Better dead than smeg."
Re: G.I. Joe: Retaliation
Drumpf finishes redecorating the White House...
Anyhow, watching this film feels a bit like being the dude strapped to the torture table in Poe's The Pit and the Pendulum, except the pendulum is a gigantic scrotum smacking you across the face for ninety minutes.
Things I noticed:
- The amount of blatant killing and violence they get away with at PG-13 makes me say, "Fuck it, just up the ante and go R."
-
-
Anyhow, watching this film feels a bit like being the dude strapped to the torture table in Poe's The Pit and the Pendulum, except the pendulum is a gigantic scrotum smacking you across the face for ninety minutes.
Things I noticed:
- The amount of blatant killing and violence they get away with at PG-13 makes me say, "Fuck it, just up the ante and go R."
-
I couldn't stop laughing. I can't even picture the '80s cartoon being that stupid.Even worse is that a few of his Secret Service detail are blatantly wearing Cobra lapel pins instead of American flags, and nobody says shit.
-
Be glad they didn't make Roadblock speak in jive verse like he normally does. It also means they killed Marlon Wayans, which is only an improvement.Roadblock, Lady Jane, Flint, and Snake Eyes. So three Joes nobody really knows, and Snake Eyes.
Diogenes of Sinope: "It is not that I am mad, it is only that my head is different from yours."
Arnold Judas Rimmer, BSC, SSC: "Better dead than smeg."
Arnold Judas Rimmer, BSC, SSC: "Better dead than smeg."
Re: G.I. Joe: Retaliation
That's always driven nuts here and in other films.Even worse is that a few of his Secret Service detail are blatantly wearing Cobra lapel pins instead of American flags, and nobody says shit.
"We can't find 'insert name of secret organization' anywhere!" Cut to scene with secret organization members wearing uniforms, lapel pins, waving flags, etc., etc.
Somebody is making that shit. I mean, we know Hugo Boss was behind the Nazi uniforms. You're telling me nobody would think to track an evil organization's marketing services purchases?
“Activism is a way for useless people to feel important, even if the consequences of their activism are counterproductive for those they claim to be helping and damaging to the fabric of society as a whole.” - Dr Thomas Sowell
Re: G.I. Joe: Retaliation
Cobra's got their own fabric and manufacturing departments. They conquered the world of retail long ago.
Diogenes of Sinope: "It is not that I am mad, it is only that my head is different from yours."
Arnold Judas Rimmer, BSC, SSC: "Better dead than smeg."
Arnold Judas Rimmer, BSC, SSC: "Better dead than smeg."