Posted: Thu Oct 10, 2013 7:39 pm
Synopsis:
Val Kilmer is a profiler instructor for the FBI that trains agents in art of profiling using murder dinner theatre on an isolated island off the eastern coast of the US. His current crop of recruits consists of eight barely functional retards who gradually become less functional and more dead as the movie progresses, much like your expectation of logic or entertainment from this flick.
Cast:
Some people you've heard of. LL Cool J, Johnny Lee Miller, Christian Slater, Val Kilmer, and the chick from Cold Case.
Plot:
Holy fucking shit. The kills in this film require such foresight and supernatural predictive abilities that I started to wonder why the murderer didn't give up the corpse-making biz and just make a legal psychic or stock market tip hotline. Then again, he is picking on the seven dumbest FBI agents to walk the planet plus their teacher who's giving off vibes reminiscent of Jon Lovitz when he played the community theatre director on The Simpsons where Marge was in "A Streetcar Named Desire."
In addition, the killer is also a ninja master because no one ever notices him doing anything amiss. Ever. Even at the end, he's only found out after he's tricked everyone about everything. When placing a tenth-generation "Se7en"-wannabe copycat trap pulled straight from his magical wish granting, special effects expert genie-engineer's asshole, he is invisible and silent in a way that makes Jason Voorhees looks clumsy.
Example 1:
The first kill. Anyone who was ever six to ten years old should have been able to avoid this. The fact that seven grown adults just stood there and watched leads me to believe they may have been shooting this scene for comedy.
Example 2:
There's a point in the film where the antagonist knocks everyone out. They are literally helpless while he can walk around at will and do whatever he wants. What does he do? He waits for them to wake up. That doesn't work out too well for several reasons later on.
Example 3:
The first "ending chase." This dude was carrying the Mythbusters build team in his luggage. He seems to have every wire, circuit board, servo motor, transmitter, chemical, and explosive material in the history of mankind at his beck and call. At least the A-Team would give you a montage when they pulled gadgets out of their ass. In Mindhunters, they appear out of thin air, retroactively placed by time traveling gremlins from the future with precision and timing that Cold War spy games couldn't hope to compete with.
Example 4:
The second ending chase. Imagine you're in Mindhunters and you have an ironclad test for identifying the killer from all remaining suspects and it takes a few seconds to perform using a black light. It's not you. That just leaves everyone else left alive on the island, two other fucking people. One's a psycho killer, one's a federal agent. Both could take your ass in a hand-to-hand fight but you're all armed with pistols, and even more fortuitous, you're the only one without a bullet wound and massive head trauma at the moment. Do you perform the covert 2-second analysis ...
A) BEFORE
or
B) AFTER
... you explain the test to the other two dudes, considering one of them has been dropping your friends faster than promiscuous teens in a 1980s slasher movie?
If you picked B, you've seen this movie or you have survival instinct somewhere near the level of a Heaven's Gate cult member. It gets better ... imagine picking B and performing the test without your gun drawn even when process of elimination has just dictated the psycho is the only dude you haven't examined. Even his exclamation at being found out is so ho-hum pedestrian, it's like he doesn't even give a fuck anymore, "Well, this is awkward."
Conclusion:
You've exerted more mental activity during "Battleship" (game or movie) than the entire collective of characters in Mindhunters.
Val Kilmer is a profiler instructor for the FBI that trains agents in art of profiling using murder dinner theatre on an isolated island off the eastern coast of the US. His current crop of recruits consists of eight barely functional retards who gradually become less functional and more dead as the movie progresses, much like your expectation of logic or entertainment from this flick.
Cast:
Some people you've heard of. LL Cool J, Johnny Lee Miller, Christian Slater, Val Kilmer, and the chick from Cold Case.
Plot:
Holy fucking shit. The kills in this film require such foresight and supernatural predictive abilities that I started to wonder why the murderer didn't give up the corpse-making biz and just make a legal psychic or stock market tip hotline. Then again, he is picking on the seven dumbest FBI agents to walk the planet plus their teacher who's giving off vibes reminiscent of Jon Lovitz when he played the community theatre director on The Simpsons where Marge was in "A Streetcar Named Desire."
In addition, the killer is also a ninja master because no one ever notices him doing anything amiss. Ever. Even at the end, he's only found out after he's tricked everyone about everything. When placing a tenth-generation "Se7en"-wannabe copycat trap pulled straight from his magical wish granting, special effects expert genie-engineer's asshole, he is invisible and silent in a way that makes Jason Voorhees looks clumsy.
Example 1:
The first kill. Anyone who was ever six to ten years old should have been able to avoid this. The fact that seven grown adults just stood there and watched leads me to believe they may have been shooting this scene for comedy.
Example 2:
There's a point in the film where the antagonist knocks everyone out. They are literally helpless while he can walk around at will and do whatever he wants. What does he do? He waits for them to wake up. That doesn't work out too well for several reasons later on.
Example 3:
The first "ending chase." This dude was carrying the Mythbusters build team in his luggage. He seems to have every wire, circuit board, servo motor, transmitter, chemical, and explosive material in the history of mankind at his beck and call. At least the A-Team would give you a montage when they pulled gadgets out of their ass. In Mindhunters, they appear out of thin air, retroactively placed by time traveling gremlins from the future with precision and timing that Cold War spy games couldn't hope to compete with.
Example 4:
The second ending chase. Imagine you're in Mindhunters and you have an ironclad test for identifying the killer from all remaining suspects and it takes a few seconds to perform using a black light. It's not you. That just leaves everyone else left alive on the island, two other fucking people. One's a psycho killer, one's a federal agent. Both could take your ass in a hand-to-hand fight but you're all armed with pistols, and even more fortuitous, you're the only one without a bullet wound and massive head trauma at the moment. Do you perform the covert 2-second analysis ...
A) BEFORE
or
B) AFTER
... you explain the test to the other two dudes, considering one of them has been dropping your friends faster than promiscuous teens in a 1980s slasher movie?
If you picked B, you've seen this movie or you have survival instinct somewhere near the level of a Heaven's Gate cult member. It gets better ... imagine picking B and performing the test without your gun drawn even when process of elimination has just dictated the psycho is the only dude you haven't examined. Even his exclamation at being found out is so ho-hum pedestrian, it's like he doesn't even give a fuck anymore, "Well, this is awkward."
Conclusion:
You've exerted more mental activity during "Battleship" (game or movie) than the entire collective of characters in Mindhunters.