Posted: Sun Sep 15, 2013 12:34 pm
I'd say "spoilers" but the poem is centuries old.
For those of you who've not seen it, it's John Boorman's 1983 classic documentary-style study of how the British aristocrats have a divine right to kill or fuck everyone that doesn't agree with them, even if that means incest. From this flick, you get the notion the British Isles could live as a united state except for the inevitable rape that would trigger a cataclysmic war. There's also a story about some dude named Arthur and his s-word. It stars half a dozen British actors that you couldn't get together for a flick nowadays unless your studio wanted to drop $50 million on supporting cast salaries alone: Liam Neeson, Patrick Stewart, Helen Mirren, Gabriel Byrne, ad nauseum.
The prologue, along with Arthur's rise to kinghood is actually pretty good, nothing but disguising violence and Merlin's magic as legitimate political maneuvering. I may mention the fight choreography in here is somewhat decent, and the first 45-60 minutes alternate between "violent scene" and "buildup to the next violent scene."
Then it gets to the chick flick in the middle that is literally the drama at Camelot's court over who's fucking who now that nation-wide peace has been declared ... because if the British aren't busy killing someone, they're redoubling their efforts at fucking. There are any number of places all this high school bullshit could have been stopped, particularly by Merlin -- seeing as how the king is the land and the king's usefulness somehow directly relates to who's fucking his wife. But the prick who really should have known better is Lancelot. Then again, he maybe he's still pissed Arthur cheated in their duel.
During all this, Merlin switches to "comic relief" mode and his main contribution is falling in a fucking puddle. That's rather convenient because he's teaching Arthur's half-sister Morgan magic and absentmindedly fails to notice she's a fucking megalomaniac with the perfect motive to fuck Arthur. She literally does that last thing and rapes him using the same trick Arthur's father did when he raped Morgan's mother.
The drama ends when Arthur loses his sword, which means he's not much of a king, which means the land goes to shit, the peasants suffer, etc. He gets it into his head that the Grail will save everyone, so he sends all his knights out to find it. That turns out to be a bad idea because of that half-incest rape child named Mordred who wears armour so gay even Cakedaddy wouldn't be caught dead in it. It beats out Bat-Nipples by 14 years and goes beyond with a helmet sporting a metallic perm somewhere between "Liberace" and "supporting actor from Bob Guccione's Caligula."
Eventually Arthur gets the Grail from Percival and recovers, only to have a fully grown Mordred crawling up his ass wearing the suit of mail that could be the highlight of Andy Dick's "medieval summer" collection. In the meantime, Merlin, despite being encased in ice, casts a couple spells of "create plot device" that simultaneously drain Morgan of her power and fuck over Mordred's army. However, many of Artie's forces had defected, leaving his depleted ranks to receive an asswhuppin'.
Lancelot shows up to save the fight ... well, you can't tell and sort of have to take the word of the other characters on screen because the dude they're referring to has about five Grizzly Adams's worth of beard on him. Mordred and Arthur finally realize this shit has gone on for two and a quarter hours and mercifully save the audience a drawn out fight by running each other through to little fanfare. As Arthur dies, he tells Percival to chuck Excalibur in a lake, probably wanting to rid himself of all the bullshit that's infected his life since he pulled it out of the goddamn rock so many years ago. Percival does so.
No wait, John Boorman thinks the movie hasn't gone on fucking long enough, so he has Percy doubt himself and double back to Arthur. A mortally wounded king explains to <s>John Boorman</s> Percy that he really needs to end the fucking movie and that includes throwing the pointy metal blade into the nearest lake.
There are anywhere from 2-4 movies here jammed into one. Today, they'd just drag this out into one feature film (Ex) followed by three sequels (Cal, Ib, and Ur).
Edited By Malcolm on 1379263059
For those of you who've not seen it, it's John Boorman's 1983 classic documentary-style study of how the British aristocrats have a divine right to kill or fuck everyone that doesn't agree with them, even if that means incest. From this flick, you get the notion the British Isles could live as a united state except for the inevitable rape that would trigger a cataclysmic war. There's also a story about some dude named Arthur and his s-word. It stars half a dozen British actors that you couldn't get together for a flick nowadays unless your studio wanted to drop $50 million on supporting cast salaries alone: Liam Neeson, Patrick Stewart, Helen Mirren, Gabriel Byrne, ad nauseum.
The prologue, along with Arthur's rise to kinghood is actually pretty good, nothing but disguising violence and Merlin's magic as legitimate political maneuvering. I may mention the fight choreography in here is somewhat decent, and the first 45-60 minutes alternate between "violent scene" and "buildup to the next violent scene."
Then it gets to the chick flick in the middle that is literally the drama at Camelot's court over who's fucking who now that nation-wide peace has been declared ... because if the British aren't busy killing someone, they're redoubling their efforts at fucking. There are any number of places all this high school bullshit could have been stopped, particularly by Merlin -- seeing as how the king is the land and the king's usefulness somehow directly relates to who's fucking his wife. But the prick who really should have known better is Lancelot. Then again, he maybe he's still pissed Arthur cheated in their duel.
During all this, Merlin switches to "comic relief" mode and his main contribution is falling in a fucking puddle. That's rather convenient because he's teaching Arthur's half-sister Morgan magic and absentmindedly fails to notice she's a fucking megalomaniac with the perfect motive to fuck Arthur. She literally does that last thing and rapes him using the same trick Arthur's father did when he raped Morgan's mother.
The drama ends when Arthur loses his sword, which means he's not much of a king, which means the land goes to shit, the peasants suffer, etc. He gets it into his head that the Grail will save everyone, so he sends all his knights out to find it. That turns out to be a bad idea because of that half-incest rape child named Mordred who wears armour so gay even Cakedaddy wouldn't be caught dead in it. It beats out Bat-Nipples by 14 years and goes beyond with a helmet sporting a metallic perm somewhere between "Liberace" and "supporting actor from Bob Guccione's Caligula."
Eventually Arthur gets the Grail from Percival and recovers, only to have a fully grown Mordred crawling up his ass wearing the suit of mail that could be the highlight of Andy Dick's "medieval summer" collection. In the meantime, Merlin, despite being encased in ice, casts a couple spells of "create plot device" that simultaneously drain Morgan of her power and fuck over Mordred's army. However, many of Artie's forces had defected, leaving his depleted ranks to receive an asswhuppin'.
Lancelot shows up to save the fight ... well, you can't tell and sort of have to take the word of the other characters on screen because the dude they're referring to has about five Grizzly Adams's worth of beard on him. Mordred and Arthur finally realize this shit has gone on for two and a quarter hours and mercifully save the audience a drawn out fight by running each other through to little fanfare. As Arthur dies, he tells Percival to chuck Excalibur in a lake, probably wanting to rid himself of all the bullshit that's infected his life since he pulled it out of the goddamn rock so many years ago. Percival does so.
No wait, John Boorman thinks the movie hasn't gone on fucking long enough, so he has Percy doubt himself and double back to Arthur. A mortally wounded king explains to <s>John Boorman</s> Percy that he really needs to end the fucking movie and that includes throwing the pointy metal blade into the nearest lake.
There are anywhere from 2-4 movies here jammed into one. Today, they'd just drag this out into one feature film (Ex) followed by three sequels (Cal, Ib, and Ur).
Edited By Malcolm on 1379263059