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Posted: **Wed Feb 24, 2016 10:26 pm**

I wrote this elsewhere but you guys should see it too. You're welcome:

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So one day this swarthy, immigrant gardener is pulling some weeds at the king's palace, and he sees the hawt king's daughter out by the pool. She's got boobs like POW and a banging booty, and she aint a butterface, either. He sees her, she sees him seeing her, and oh man she likes it. I mean, it's like damn. So she goes to him and takes his hand and they go into the bushes and they start making out. Like, hard. He even goes for some boob. And she's all like, "OMG i totally love you and you must be mine alone, forever, i couldn't bear to see you with another girl." And he's like, "Cool baby, I'm down with that, I'll put a ring on it," and they start making out even HARDER, like he's trying to jam his tongue down his throat. And all of a sudden this dude comes through the bushes, and it's totally her dad the king, and he's all like, "No fucking way, this is bullshit. You're just a laborer and she's the princess and this is totes uncool. You have to be punished. Guards, arrest him," and they do.

So it's like the next day, and they go to the sports arena and all the peeps in the kingdom are there, and the gardener is in the middle of the arena. The king is there in his sweet box seats and his daughter is there. The king goes on jumbotron and is all like, "For the crime of macking on my daughter, this dude has to choose one of two doors. Behind one door is a tiger that will eat him like right now, so get your phones ready because that shit could end up on Tosh. The other door is a smoking hot babe and if he chooses that door they will get married right here and now and then he can no longer mack on my daughter. So now prisoner, choose a door."

The dude is all like, "No fucking WAY this is happening," and doesn't know what to do. He looks up at his true love, the princess... and she is there looking back at him, all hot looking and with tears in her eyes. With the most subtle of motions, she points him to one of the two doors.

So which door did she point him to?

Show your work.

Edited By GORDON on 1456370995

Posted: **Wed Feb 24, 2016 10:31 pm**

The tiger. Cuz you're feeling bitter.

Posted: **Wed Feb 24, 2016 10:38 pm**

What do I have to do with anything? I'm not swarthy.

Posted: **Wed Feb 24, 2016 10:44 pm**

I think she doesn't know, she just wants him to hurry up and get it over with whichever way it will go.

Posted: **Thu Feb 25, 2016 1:44 am**

I always thought this story was bullshit made up and promoted by people with no imagination. The non-tiger door. Then they can bide their time and make an escape plan.

Posted: **Thu Feb 25, 2016 10:25 am**

GORDON wrote:What do I have to do with anything? I'm not swarthy.

Oh, I thought you made this up. I didn't realize it was an historical tale.

Posted: **Thu Feb 25, 2016 10:26 am**

TPRJones wrote:I think she doesn't know, she just wants him to hurry up and get it over with whichever way it will go.

In the original story, she clearly knows.

Posted: **Thu Feb 25, 2016 10:49 am**

TheCatt wrote:
GORDON wrote:What do I have to do with anything? I'm not swarthy.
Oh, I thought you made this up. I didn't realize it was an historical tale.

Yeah I last read it in the 11th grade, and it was on my mind for some reason, so I modern-day-lingo'ed it up. I thought it was amusing.

Posted: **Thu Feb 25, 2016 10:50 am**

TheCatt wrote:
TPRJones wrote:I think she doesn't know, she just wants him to hurry up and get it over with whichever way it will go.
In the original story, she clearly knows.

Yeah I probably should have added that aspect to my telling. Been too long since I read it.

Posted: **Thu Feb 25, 2016 11:17 am**

TheCatt wrote:
TPRJones wrote:I think she doesn't know, she just wants him to hurry up and get it over with whichever way it will go.
In the original story, she clearly knows.

Not only does she clearly know, there's some hinting as to the way it'll go.

Posted: **Thu Feb 25, 2016 2:33 pm**

Someone hates women.

Posted: **Thu Feb 25, 2016 4:00 pm**

Leisher wrote:Someone hates women.

Not me. Read the story towards the end. It spends a lot more time going on about the princess hating the potential bride than it does about her loving the lowly peasant dude. Not just the bride, her family, her bloodline, her entire ancestry.

And not only did she know in which room stood the lady ready to emerge, all blushing and radiant, should her door be opened, but she knew who the lady was. It was one of the fairest and loveliest of the damsels of the court who had been selected as the reward of the accused youth, should he be proved innocent of the crime of aspiring to one so far above him; and the princess hated her. Often had she seen, or imagined that she had seen, this fair creature throwing glances of admiration upon the person of her lover, and sometimes she thought these glances were perceived, and even returned. Now and then she had seen them talking together; it was but for a moment or two, but much can be said in a brief space; it may have been on most unimportant topics, but how could she know that? The girl was lovely, but she had dared to raise her eyes to the loved one of the princess; and, with all the intensity of the savage blood transmitted to her through long lines of wholly barbaric ancestors, she hated the woman who blushed and trembled behind that silent door.
...
How often, in her waking hours and in her dreams, had she started in wild horror, and covered her face with her hands as she thought of her lover opening the door on the other side of which waited the cruel fangs of the tiger!

But how much oftener had she seen him at the other door! How in her grievous reveries had she gnashed her teeth, and torn her hair, when she saw his start of rapturous delight as he opened the door of the lady! How her soul had burned in agony when she had seen him rush to meet that woman, with her flushing cheek and sparkling eye of triumph; when she had seen him lead her forth, his whole frame kindled with the joy of recovered life; when she had heard the glad shouts from the multitude, and the wild ringing of the happy bells; when she had seen the priest, with his joyous followers, advance to the couple, and make them man and wife before her very eyes; and when she had seen them walk away together upon their path of flowers, followed by the tremendous shouts of the hilarious multitude, in which her one despairing shriek was lost and drowned!

Would it not be better for him to die at once, and go to wait for her in the blessed regions of semi-barbaric futurity?

And yet, that awful tiger, those shrieks, that blood!

There are two sentences in support of her being merciful. There are two vitriolic paragraphs of viscous, visceral venom in support of her being a bitch.

Edited By Malcolm on 1456434421

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