WOW. This film is simply amazing.
I honestly am having trouble putting into words what an absolutely beautiful train wreck I just watched.
Let's start with the special effects. I don't know how this film was made because the budget for special effects had to go into the tens of dollars. Surely they had to bring in Trump and Buffet to fund this thing.
Even better was the acting. You know you're in for a brilliant piece of art when Urkel is one of the main characters.
But the show stopper had to be the amazingly tight story. Written by the boys in Mrs. Jenkins 1st grade class this film was...well, indescribable.
There is no way everyone involved wasn't drunk, high, or terribly ashamed. In fact, if you watch closely you can see the disgust most of the actors had for this film when they're reciting their lines. That's not a joke. They seriously look irritated and embarrassed.
I know what you're thinking, "What did you expect?" I absolutely expected a terrible film. That's the fun of a movie like this, but this film goes beyond what you expect. It's brilliantly horrible.
I truly believe whoever wrote this movie was playing a terrible joke on whoever green lit it. The dialogue is exactly what you'd hear in the average kindergarten playground. I cannot stress that enough. Remember Dawson's Creek and how much flack it took for teenagers talking like 40-somethings? Well, this is 40-somethings talking like 7 year olds. It is hilarious.
The plot is even worse. The writers literally just made shit up without an ounce of research and attention to detail simply doesn't exist. Here's some examples Spoilers galore:
-A man stands in a cave entrance that isn't much higher than 12 feet tall. The Croc comes out of the cave and eats him. Meanwhile, the Mega Shark can literally eat nuclear submarines and is the size of a cruiser. Later, the Croc and Shark are shown to be the same size. Did it somehow grow?
-The Croc gets taken down by a man dual wielding guns. He does so by getting eaten and shoots while in the Croc's mouth and it INSTANTLY goes comatose. He survives. Later, the military is hitting it with everything, including "nukes", and it doesn't even flinch.
-During the rest of the movie, nobody remembers that this guy knocked the thing cold for days so easily.
-The croc is able to lay thousands upon thousands of eggs over as many miles in a single day.
-Said eggs hatch within a few hours.
-Hatchlings are 25-35 feet long.
-These creatures and every known vehicle the military has can travel from the Atlantic Ocean to Hawaii in minutes.
I could go on for hours. There is not a single bit of reality in this movie. Not one shred of logic.
Ed Wood should be crawling out of his grave to scream "You called ME a hack?!?!"
For anyone still reading this, you are the target audience and this is must see viewing. Grab some adult beverages and be prepared to laugh your ass off. If you invite people to watch with you, prepare them ahead of time that this isn't The Godfather or Citizen Kane. The point of this movie is to mock it. What makes this one special is that they truly set the bar to a new level.
-10 out of 10.